cracking vs crafting the code
stepping into the artistry of crafting the life you desire
Have you ever had a thought drop into your consciousness that absolutely rocks you to your core? The kind that makes a lightbulb go off and immediately transforms your entire existence in the matter of seconds?
The type of thought that feels like it should’ve been obvious all along, but for some reason, it finally clicked on a random Saturday in the middle of daydreaming and the stars re-aligned themselves right before your eyes?
Because, same.
[For context, I was riding shotgun with my partner in the driver’s seat and our son in the back on the most gorgeous summer day—watching the trees pass us by as we drove home after a day at the beach. I don’t recall thinking about anything in particular in that very moment, but was probably definitely daydreaming when all of a sudden, the download hit]:
You’re not meant to crack the code, you’re meant to craft it.
And I felt my entire inner world shift. An immediate softening of the long-held tension in my shoulders and chest I didn’t even realize I was holding. A deep breath followed. The energy that had been buzzing between my mind to every inch of my body on repeat halted—it completely surged. A little disorienting, but in the best damn way. It almost felt like I had just stepped off of one of those carnival rides that whip you ‘round and ‘round and when you finally land your feet back on the ground, you quickly settle into balance again, with a bit of dizziness lingering in your head.
In this moment, my inner dialogue sounded a lot like:
“Shit. Whoa. Wait a minute. So, there’s no code to crack? No mystery to solve? You’re telling me that I don’t have to keep digging? And seeking? Like.. I don’t actually have to wait for the next big insight—the secret key—to unlock something for me? I don’t have to keep working harder to prove my worth and credibility and I get to like…start now? I don’t have to wait any longer? I get to consciously create what success, happiness, fulfillment looks like for me? I get to choose? I don’t have to wait for permission? Or the perfect time? And it’s something I can craft with my very own hands, intentions, actions, decisions??? AND IT CAN BE ENJOYABLE?? It doesn’t have to feel like an endless search or work? There’s no secret to decode after all? I just get to…create?”
It was in this very moment where everything came crashing into perspective all at once—I came to the realization that I no longer have to be a passive bystander in the life I’m living—I get to be an architect, a creator, an artist. And I get to choose the colors that I paint it with.
For so long, I lived under the spell of ‘not-enoughness’.
Not healed enough. Not successful enough. Not put together enough. Not ready or prepared enough.
So, I found myself on an endless search for answers. This search for answers was perfectionism disguised under the mask of self-improvement and productivity.
I felt like I was on an endless quest to crack a secret code hidden in stacks of books and research papers, workshops and programs, classes and courses that will grant me access to everything that I deeply desire. It’s almost like I believed that this code would open the treasure trove of creative abundance, deep inner peace, happiness and joy, success, love, opportunities, the version of me waiting for me on the other side.
What I didn’t realize for so many years is that this waiting and longing for answers, this illusion that the life I desire is on the other side of something that I find outside of myself, was keeping me from the very life I desired most.
Cracking the code is this very illusion—that if we just find the right formula, tool, teacher, or timeline—we’ll finally be whole. But what it’s really doing is keeping us disconnected from our inner wisdom and self-trust.
In my mind, I deeply believed that I had to earn my joy, contentment, and confidence to lead the life I deeply craved. I believed that I had to wait for these things to find me.
In my heart, I knew this wasn’t true. But the chase had me in a chokehold. My spiraling thoughts telling me I needed to keep seeking were louder than the soft whispers calling me inward.
So, I constantly found myself in a liminal space—the holding space, the waiting room—impatiently watching for someone to open the door and invite me into the next chapter of my life and evolution. Reaching out their hand to guide the way.
For years, I sat. I waited. I watched not only the unopened door, but the lives of others blossom around me and continued to ask myself,
“why not me?”
“when’s my turn?”
“what’s wrong with me?”
“what’re they doing that I’m not doing?”
Long story short—they were moving while I was sitting. They weren’t waiting for an invitation, a hand to hold, a secret code, they were just giving themselves permission. They were doing it scared. They were doing it imperfectly. They were trusting themselves enough to…move.
A recent conversation with a dear friend reminded me of this—that we often find ourselves waiting for permission before giving it to ourselves. And sometimes, that external permission never comes. So, we sit.
In this sitting, waiting, wishing, I failed to realize that I was outsourcing my power. I was draining my inner resources while chasing all the right answers in all the wrong places. I was lending my self-trust to the trust I was putting so easily in others. So, of course I found myself stuck in the in-between. I didn’t trust myself enough to take the step forward—I was chasing my own tail to the point of exhaustion, so all the energy I had left was to sit and wait.
In the moments between rabbit-holing and drowning in deep-dives, I would hear my inner voice whisper, “Slow down. Put it down. Clear your head. The answers will come”. And of course, some days I’d listen, but others, my quest for answers overrode that invitation.
I’d get lost on these quests for weeks or months, until I finally came down from the seeking-induced high only to realize I’m landing right back in the waiting room.
And once I’d arrived, I’d take inventory.
New information? Gathered.
Another certification? Secured.
More books? Ordered.
But still no answers. And a gaping void.
The progress I’d thought I was making all along—just another distraction. Just another form of self-soothing in the absence of self-trust.
Don’t get me wrong—the search serves its purpose. We need to gather, explore, and expand our knowledge. I deeply believe in being a student of life, always remaining open to learning and deepening our understanding and perspectives. But when we’re hiding behind it to finally feel worthy or enough, to find magical answers, or to stay hidden when what we really crave is to be seen—it can become a place we get lost in rather than a foundation to build from.
And I was hiding.
In this holding space, my frustration grew, my ‘not-enoughness’ further perpetuated by every “yes” I said when I knew the answer was “no”, leading me into another rabbit hole of gathering and gaining more to make up for my ‘not-enoughness’.
It was a vicious cycle that I felt like I couldn’t break myself out of.
Until one day, I got really honest with myself.
(Ok—maybe it happened in another Universe-supported synchronistic moment before I got honest with myself, but still)
It was just your typical weekday where I often found myself looking into another training I was semi-interested in. I added it to my cart, reluctantly headed to check-out, where I began to notice the sensations in my body telling me Don’t do it. Don’t purchase it. You don’t need it.
The anxiety in my chest, the overwhelming thoughts began to spiral, I felt completely unsettled.
But, I proceeded to type my card information in, then my billing information, hovered the mouse over “submit payment” while knowing in my bones that I shouldn’t do it.
I was fully aware that I was entering into the same cycle I’ve been trying to break out of, but the craving for more to soothe my inner aches took over. In the same breath, I clicked the damn button and all of a sudden—
ERROR - UNABLE TO PROCESS PAYMENT.
“No. No no no. This can’t be right. There’s no way”, I say to myself as panic strikes. Not because there was a lack of funds, but for the lack safety I felt from being denied access to the potential answer I’m seeking.
So, I type all of my payment information in again. I click “submit payment” once more, and again,
ERROR - UNABLE TO PROCESS PAYMENT.
“Fuck.”
Embarrassingly, I admit that I continued this attempt two more times. Because there was no way this was happening.
And not to my surprise, I was still unsuccessful.
By this point, I knew what the fuck was happening. I had no choice but to waive my white flag. I knew it was time to give myself up and call myself out. It was truly time to surrender.
All along, I knew I was going against my inner knowing. And it truly felt like a force greater than me intervened in this moment to really hit that message home.
And this is where I got honest with myself—like the ‘tough love you get from someone who loves the hell out of you, but also isn’t afraid to call you out on your bullshit’ kind of honesty.
My higher self sounded a little bit like this—
“It’s quiiiite clear you’re not meant to be in this program, Bri. You felt it in your bones. But you went for it anyway. You’re moving out of desperation. You’re seeking again. You’re distracting yourself from actually taking the steps you want to take. You feel productive and like you’re making progress when you sign up for these things, but Bri, goddamn, it’s busy work! You’re enough. You have enough. You’re knowledgable enough. You’re ready. You deserve to gift yourself the opportunity to actually live the life you desire. And this busy work is keeping you from that. Please for the love of god, use your energy to actually LIVE. Because what you’re doing is preventing you from doing exactly that”.
And shit. Was that hard to swallow. And truth is, I’ve heard this all before. But time and time again, I dismissed it because I didn’t trust it. I didn’t trust myself.
And after all this time, after finally coming to my knees, I learned that I had the key all along. It wasn’t someone else’s answers, permission or invitation that I needed after all. It was a remembrance. Of my own inherent worthiness, of my inner voice that knows exactly what I need. Of the permission I never needed from anyone other than myself.
And many months later, in a moment of silence sitting shotgun on the way home from the beach—deep in gratitude in the middle of living my life—an answer came falling in to remind me of this.
A reminder that answers aren’t found in frantic searching, pressure or spiraling—they’re found in deep presence. And these moments of deep presence are what inform your actions—the very actions that create the life you’re living.
The Shift: Cracking to Crafting
Moving from the mentality of cracking the code to crafting it started with brutal honesty with myself—with being tired of denying myself access to the things I wanted in my life—with feeling powerless and having enough of feeling not enough. So, basically, it started with being tired of my own shit.
I nurtured this concept of crafting through:
- Becoming familiar with the patterns and cycles I fall into when I don’t feel safe stepping outside of my comfort zone.
- Noticing the thought patterns that were keeping me feeling small and stuck and deciphering fact from fiction.
- Seeing how I reacted in moments of feeling ‘less than’ and uncovering outdated stories and beliefs that were asking to be re-written.
- Sitting with the parts of myself that felt intimidated and scared to be seen in new ways (or for the first time ever) and letting them lead the way with gentle presence.
- Moving my body intuitively to process my experiences
- Grounded into rituals that bring me back to my body, my truth, my choice
- Continued to give myself grace when I got swept back into the pattern and gently guided myself back to crafting
Because in these moments—the softening and slowing down, the listening, the presence—THIS is where you craft the life you deeply crave. The moments with your body, your mind, your heart + soul. You create the space to hear the calls, the answers, the whispers nudging you in the direction you’re meant to go in. You reconnect with your needs, your desires, your interests, your voice.
You redefine what success and a fulfilling life look and feel like to you and unsubscribe from anyone else’s version that you may have been chasing and following.
So, no, you don’t have to keep cracking the code, either. You’re the one who gets to craft the life you want to live. Not by getting it all “right” and following someone else’s blueprint, but by following what’s alive and true in your heart.
Cracking waits for the answer.
Crafting makes space for it to emerge.
So, let your life be your ART. You get to paint your life with the colors you choose.
Let the parts of you who’ve been sitting, waiting, wishing, to finally take a step forward in the direction your inner compass is pointing you in.
Because maybe after all, the code was never meant to be cracked—maybe it was always meant to be crafted, through one small choice and ounce of self-trust at a time.
This is your invitation to stop waiting and start creating.
So, I offer you these reflections in light of stepping into the artistry of crafting your own life:
How does the sentiment “You were never meant to crack the code to unlock the life you desire, you’re meant to craft it” land in my body when I read it? Where do sensations arise in my body?
What is my interpretation of what this sentiment means to me?
What am I craving more of in my life and where have I been waiting for permission to pursue it?
Where in my life do I feel I am on an endless search for answers? And what answer am I even seeking?
What answers have been coming up from my inner voice that I hear clearly, but choose to ignore? And why have I been ignoring them? [Is it because they’re not ‘true’ or is it because it’s not what my ego wants to hear?]
What beliefs do I hold about myself that are standing between where I am now and the life I daydream about?
Where in my life am I living by someone else’s definition of success and what would my version look like instead?
What would I start, create, do, explore, experience if I stopped asking whether I’m ready and just started?
Who am I becoming when I choose to create instead of wait? What part(s) of me am I reclaiming in that choice?
If failure weren’t an option, what steps would I begin taking to move towards this desire/life I envision for myself?
Finish this sentence: I give myself full permission to ______
If you’d like to take this exploration even deeper (or you feel called to this exercise rather than the reflection questions), I invite you to write a letter TO: your current self who has been trying to crack the code FROM: the version of you that stepped into self-trust and is crafting their life.
Let this go in the direction your heart desires. You may be surprised where this takes you!
Thank you for being here and journeying with me. I’d love to hear your reflections and how this resonated with you!
For more somatic tools to support you in your crafting, my monthly newsletter is the home to monthly somatic movement practices, grounding rituals, energetic forecasts via a monthly collective tarot reading and so much more.
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